The Adventures of Elfen Lied
by Maiko2853
Summary: A series of small shorts revolving around the lives of the characters of Elfen Lied. Rated M for Safety.
1. Chapter 1

While I originally intended to start out with something more serious for my first Elfen Lied Fanfic, I changed my mind and decided to do something more humor-filled. Although I am still working on something serious. But for now, just enjoy this humor filled adventure.

Warnings: Strange humor ahead. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**1. Nousou's Creepy Obsession.**

To be honest, there were a great number of things that The Agent was willing to overlook. But out of all the things that happened at the facility, this one was undoubtedly the most disturbing of them all. One that she couldn't completely ignore.

"Nousou, we need to talk." She said bluntly.

He looked up from the Sunday morning newspaper.

"Oh god. This is about the photo shoot the other day, isn't it? For the last time, I seriously had no idea it was for a porno magazine until AFTER they asked us to take our clothes off!"

"DAMNIT NOUSOU! THIS ISN'T ABOUT THAT DAMN PHOTO SHOOT!"

"Oh. So what's the problem then?"

The Agent looked over at Cynthia, Alicia, Barbara and Diana. All of them dressed in blatantly provocative lolicon maid outfits. She couldn't help but roll her eyes behind her shades.

_'Gee willickers, I don't know. Maybe your creepy obsession with Mariko for starters.' _She thought bitterly to herself before sighing in defeat. "It's nothing Nousou."

If he couldn't see it, why should she even try.

**2. Randall Flagg is Gay? **(A/N: I partly blame Gojirob for this one.)

The staff of the facility were enjoying breakfast in the mess hall when Sunglasses walked into the room, looking none too pleased.

"Alright, so which one of you idiots put this bumper sticker on the front of my hat!" He yelled at the assembled people.

Everyone looked at the bumper sticker.

It said: "Creepy Randall Flagg Look-A-Like is a Supporter of Gay Pride!"

The assembled people broke down into uncontrollable fits of laughter. Sunglasses quickly fled the room while cursing under his breath.

**3. The Things Yuka's Mother Did.**

Kouta couldn't believe what he had just found. He had been cleaning the Kaede Inn when he'd found a personal diary of Yuka's Mother_._

_'Oh, what delectable secrets do we have here?' _Kouta cackled as he opened the book.

Five minutes later, Kouta was seen speeding down the road in a taxi while the terrified driver sat in the back seat. The taxi screeched to halt in front of Yuka's Mother's house. Kouta sprinted into the house and burst into the dining room. He tossed the diary into the older woman's confused face.

"YOU? MY DAD? DOING THAT NOT EVEN A YEAR AFTER YOUR HUSBANDS DEATH? SERIOUSLY?"

Yuka's Mother shrugged. "What can I say? He was hot..."

"UGH! I CANNOT UNSEE WHAT I HAVE JUST SEEN! GAH, MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!"

She continued eating her somen noodles without a problem.

**4. The Horrible Truth is Revealed.**

"So, how long have you been lying to me?" Kouta asked Yuka.

"Hmm? What do you mean Kouta? Yuka replied

"I think you know what I mean Yuka-CHAN... or should I say Yuka-KUN!" Kouta cried.

He slammed down a file onto the table. Nana, Mayu and Nozomi all gasped as they read the official documents stating that Yuka had undergone a sex-change operation to become a women five years ago.

"Oh, you mean that? Well, I had women-like tedencies and a feminine figure. So I thought, why not..."

"WAIT A MINUTE! THIS MEANS I DIDN'T LIE TOO NYU ALL THOSE YEARS AGO! I MADE THE MORALLY RIGHT DECISION AND I STILL GOT SCREWED OVER FOR IT! AND IT"S ALL BECAUSE MY ONLY COUSIN WAS AN EFFEMINATE CROSS-DRESSER! WHY GOD, WHYYYYYY!"

Kouta cried hysterically while the others just sweet dropped.

**5. Death isn't the end, it's only the beginning.**

"This is for killing ME!" Professor Kakuzawa screamed, smashing his fist into Lucy's face.

"And this," Tomoo said before kicking Lucy in the stomach, "is for killing ME!"

"THIS IS FOR KILLING ME!" Mariko roared, brutally pummeling Lucy with her many vectors.

"YOU WILL PAY FOR KILLING US!"

Kaede couldn't help but stare at the HUGE crowd of spirits waiting in line for, according too the sign, a chance too beat up Lucy for five-hundred yen a minute.

She saw Kanae with a baseball bat, Kouta's Father with a pair of boxing gloves, Chief Kakuzawa with a crowbar, her half brother with a golf club, Sunglasses with his crossbow, Cynthia and Alicia readying their vectors, that damn traitor girl with a gun, and numerous other people Lucy had killed in her lifetime, brandishing various weapons.

Kaede wondered who was responsible for this. She walked along the line until she reached the front desk. Kaede, much to her great surprise, found the last, possibly first, person she expected operating the counter.

"NYU! What the hell do you think your doing!" Kaede cried.

Nyu smiled innocently at her twin self. "I'm making some money. What does it look like I'm doing." She said as though stating the obvious.

Kaede face palmed herself. "Why should I allow you to continue doing this?"

Nyu continued to smile innocently. "Because I'm going to be reincarnated as Kouta's daughter-"

"Nyu," Kaede interupted, "I think that is hardly grounds for you too-"

"-And she's going to be reincarnated as your twin sister."

"THIS IS FOR KILLING ME!" Kaede screamed, handing Nyu five-hundred yen before she began stomping on Lucy, who's body was starting to look oddly similar to how it did when she died.

_'Ah yes, the after life is so wonderful.' _Nyu thought too herself as she counted her profits, a rather creepily content smile on her face.

* * *

Some of these idea's just sort of came to me, others are parodies of jokes I heard. The Randall Flagg Joke was based my off something my favorite Elfen Lied Fanfiction writer pointed out. The author, Gojirob, pointed out similarities between Sunglasses and one of Stephen Kings characters, Randall Flagg, in a a forum page he/she did. Gojirob sort of poked at the subject again in his story Anna and the WouldBe King.

Well, only one last thing to do before I sign off for the evening. Love it, hate it, just plain don't get it.

Please review and tell me what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

Warnings: The humor is way cruder in this chapter. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**6. Not So Innocent.**

Bando could see how frightened Mayu was. She was crouched down in her seat and shaking furiously. She was this scared just being in the same room with her former step father? If he had known this, or what exactly that man had done before hand, he would've made sure the guy had never made it to his trial.

"Listen, don't worry Mayu, I know you're scared, but-"

However, when Mayu turned to face him, Bando noted that she was shaking for an entirely different reason. She was blushing furiously... with a lecherous grin her face... while a trickle of blood was coming out of her nose... and the small leather whip she was holding didn't exactly comfort the former SAT trooper.

_'Easy Bando, easy...' _Bando repeated in his head, _'Now don't rush to any conclusions just yet.'_

He just had to know one thing. "Are you planing on using that on... well... you know?"

"Oh yes, I'm going to use this on that person alllllllll night long." Mayu said dreamily.

Bando unleashed a high pitched scream and ran out of the court room as fast as his artificial legs could carry him. Sure, he'd gone up against mafia bosses, terrorists, murderers, and even homicidal horned girls with telekeneitc arms that could stop bullets and rip you limb from limb.

But dealing with a fourteen year old, dominatrix crazy girl was NOT something he could handle.

Everyone in said courtroom sweet dropped as they saw Bando flee the room while screaming like a little girl. Amongst the throngs of confusing thoughts, Mayu came to the sudden realisation of what she'd just implied.

_'Hm. I wonder if it would've calmed Bando-San down or scared him even more if I'd told him I'm actually planning too use this on my mother?'_

**7. Why Nyu!**

Kouta wasn't sure who this EXTREMELY pretty young man with bright-pink hair was or why he looked familiar.

"Uh, do I know you?" Kouta asked.

The man smiled. "It's me Kouta! I'm Nyu! I got a sex change!"

Kouta's entire world went down the drain in an instant.

**8. Lucy's New Trick Backfires.**

Nana froze in place as she felt the vector enter the back of her head.

"Hello, Nana-Chan." A sickeningly sweet voice said next to her ear.

And with that, Nana knew Lucy was back.

"You know," she whispered, "I could kill you right now if I wanted to."

Nana swallowed hard.

"But I won't, instead, I'm going to test a new trick I came up with the other day."

"What?" Nana questioned, now looking confused.

Lucy's grin just got bigger. "You see Nana-Chan, in theory, we diclonius can use our vectors to read the electric signals sent out by the brain. Think of it as a form of telepathy."

Nana eyes went wide at the implication of it all.

"NOW REVEAL TOO ME ALL YOUR SECRETS! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Lucy cackled insanely as she started the process.

Lucy grinned sadistically for several moments as she went over Nana's thoughts... ... ... right before her face fell. The diclonius queen's eyes went wide with horror as she lost her grin and the color drained from her face.

Lucy started gagging. "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU SICK LITTLE BITCH! GAAAAAHHH! I CANNOT EVER UNSEE THIS!"

Through sheer will-power from the horrors she'd just witnessed, Lucy, and to a lesser extent Kaede, forcibly pushed Nyu to the front and retreated to the back of her mind.

Nyu was left wondering why she was leaning against Nana.

"Umm, Lucy?" Nana questioned.

"No, it's Nyu! Who's Lucy?" Nyu replied.

Nana shook her head. "It's nobody important."

"Good! Now let's go make lunch for the family!" Nyu cried as she skipped to the kitchen.

Nana chuckled and followed the happy girl.

"Nana, who is Kurama and Mariko... and why do I suddenly have the image of you all having a threesome with each other?"

Nana's entire face went crimson as she suddenly found herself wishing for some higher force to strike her down.

It didn't exactly help that Kouta, Yuka, Mayu and Nozomi had all come back from grocery shopping right as Nyu said it.

**9. Movie Night.**

It was Saturday night at the facility. Both Kurama and Nousou were getting together for their weekly movie night.

"So what are we watching this evening," Kurama asked as he plopped down onto the couch with a bowl of popcorn in hand, "Wait, let me guess, another chick-flick?"

"Not this time," Nousou replied as he walked into the room carrying several tapes, "It appears that Cynthia, Alicia, Barbara and Diana, have all gone through the trouble of making some home videos of themselves for us... how interesting..."

Kurama unleashed a heavy sigh. "Just how skilled can four prepubescent girls be at making A-Plus films anyway?" He muttered, only slightly upset that they wouldn't be watching, "The Princess Diaries."

"Well, let's see, we've got, "XXX Loli Girls," "Lesbian Loli's," "Girls Gone Wild: Loli Edition," and "Loli Diclonius." Which one should we watch first?"

"Loli Diclonius." Kurama replied without a second thought.

Just as Nousou was about to put the movie in, the door suddenly came crashing down and Sunglasses was standing there with his crossbow.

"I WANT THOSE VIDEOS!" He screamed as drool flowed out of his mouth like a waterfall.

**10. Big Sister.**

"Can I be Nyuu's big sister?" Mayu asked, holding said baby in her arms.

"No." Kouta replied, not even looking up from his book.

"WELL WHY NOT?"

"Because you listen to Katy Perry, run funny, and screw Nana with a strap-on every night."

Mayu gasped. "Not... not all the time, damnit!"

"You're the most useless character in the series, so please shut up."

"At least I didn't impregnate my COUSIN!" Mayu exclaimed loudly. (1)

"HA! THAT JUST GOES TOO SHOW YOU HOW SKILLFUL I AM!" Kouta shouted, giving two thumbs up.

"... ... You're actually disgusted with yourself for having gone to bed with HER of all people, aren't you?"

Kouta broke down into tears while Mayu just shook her head and sighed.

* * *

1. I know it's legal in Japan for cousins to get married. This is just for humor purposes.

The second chapter is finally completed. Put a little more thought into this one.

Love it, hate it, just plain don't get it. Please review and tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

Warnings: Strange humor ahead. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**11. One too Many Kung-Fu Movies.**

Bando had just pushed Mayu out of the way. The man was risking his life for this girl. He was fully prepared for Lucy's vectors to cut him in half.

However, the vector was about to cut into his flesh... when Mayu flew in out of nowhere and smashed her foot into Lucy's face.

"GO TO HELL, BITCH!"

Bando could only stare in confusion. _'What the f*** just happened?'_

**12. Good Things to Say.**

"If you had one good thing to say about Mayu, what would it be?" Yuka asked Nana.

Nana pondered on this question for only a few seconds. "Her butt makes a good pillow, it's a lot bigger and softer than her breasts are." She replied in a completely serious tone.

**13. Nyu the Master Panty Thief.**

"Nyu, this is an intervention." Yuka said serously to the horned girl.

Nyu smiled innocently. "About what Yuka-Chan?"

Yuka's eyebrow twitched. "You know exactly what I mean!"

"I really don't know what your talking about Yuka-CHAN." Nyu said mischievously while she continued to smile innocently.

Yuka's twitch became more noticeable. "Nyu, this is about you stealing everyones undergarments. Now we want you too stop... or else."

"Even if you are aware of the problem, you'll never stop me." Nyu replied, holding up an orange bra.

Yuka stared at the undergarment for a few moments... right before she realised it was the one she'd put on earlier that morning.

"But how-who-what-h-h-h-HOW DID YOU GRAB THAT!" Yuka shrieked in terror as she crossed her arms defensively over her chest.

Nyu giggled. "The same way I stole your panties, silly!" She suddenly held up a pair of matching orange underwear.

Yuka let out a cry of embarrassment before she fled the room.

**14. Kouta's Dirty Trick.**

Kouta stared at Nyu as she melted apart. He couldn't bring himself to do it. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't take the life of his oldest friend.

_'Hmm, maybe I won't have too,' _Kouta suddenly thought too himself, "Before I kill you, I just have one question to ask." He smiled wickedly before hiding it.

Lucy looked up to the man who stood before her.

"YEAH, WHAT IS IT," Lucy snapped, _'SO PAINFUL, SO PAINFUL, SO PAINFUL, SO PAINFUL!'_

"Tell me..."

"JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY," Lucy snapped again, _'SO PAINFUL, SO PAINFUL, SO PAINFUL, SO PAINFUL!'_

"What will it take to convince you to go to bed with me?"

All thought process in said area stopped. Lucy, Yuka, Nozomi, Mayu and Nana all gave Kouta looks of confusion, horror and questioning.

Kouta rubbed the back of his head while grinning sheepishly. "Can I help it if I'm attracted to women with disabilities?"

After a few seconds of complete silence, Lucy used a vector to grab the pistol from Kouta and shot herself in the head.

**15. Just Once.**

Bando was horrified. He'd never been more scared in his entire life. But that damn horned bitch was doing the impossible. Killing a SAT trooper, stopping bullets, throwing massive boulders, launching objects fast enough to shatter rocks. The list went on and on.

And the worst part was that she did it all with little, if any real effort on her part.

Now she stood above him. Her face one of complete murderous calm. The look in her eyes saying the only kind of intimacy she wanted was the one involving his entrails scattered across the beaches sand.

The only thing that made the whole situation such an awkward affair was that Bando had gained an erection. Apparently Lucy had noted this as well and internally, she sighed in disgust.

_'Just once and only once, I would like to meet a man who doesn't want to fuck me just because I'm a homicidal psychopath.'_

* * *

Yeah... was lacking some motivation on this chapter.

Love it, hate it, just plain don't get it. Please review and tell me what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, before I begin this chapter, I wish to bring up a matter of importance. While I'm not going stop writing this story any time soon, my motivation is lacking. Why? Nobody except someone I'm familiar with at this website is reviewing this story.

I don't ask for much when I write my stories. I don't even ask that people review every chapter. I only ask that you that you give me your opinion every once in a while. For anonymous viewers, there is a review button at the bottom of the screen. My stories are set to take anonymous reviews too you know. Even if it's just to tell me you don't like it, I REALLY want to know what you're opinion of this story is.

Sorry if I sound a little peeved right now, but my humor stories always do the best, and to see them ignored to such an extent breaks the writer in me to pieces.

Warning: Strange humor ahead, some of them will be worse than others. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**16. Facing Your Destiny.**

Taking the hat in his hands, Sunglasses gave the man before him a look of annoyance.

"Okay, so let me get this straight. You idiots want me to dress up as Randall Flagg, pick a diclonius to track down Lucy, and go find the girl who tore apart dozens of are security guards, took out two SAT troopers, killing one and maiming the other, ripped off number sevens limbs, and survived the bombs from number thirty-five's body at point-blank range, and you want me not too kill her, but restrain said person and bring her back here?"

Nousou nodded. "Yup. It took Chief Kakuzawa, are unknown female friend over there, and myself all night to think of it!"

Sunglasses gave Nousou a nasty glare, and then tossed the hat into his face. "Screw you, man!"

He stomped off down the hall and left the man looking shocked.

Sighing, Nousou turned to The Agent and gave her the hat. "I guess it's up to you then."

She gasped. "W-w-what? But-but if I get myself killed by Lucy, then who's going to be stuck in the cave at the end of the story?"

In her mind, she envisioned the exact scene from the final chapter that showed her trapped underground. It was completely normal until it reached the part where she questioned Anna where they were, but instead of The Agent... it was Arakawa!

"AYAYAYAYAAAAAAAA!" Out of both disgust and horror, The Agent puked into the hat, and then handed it back to Nousou without another word.

With no other candidates left, Nousou knew that he only had one chance left to convince Sunglasses to take up the job.

"Kakuzawa-Sama... I'll give you permission to go to bed with Cynthia, Alicia, Barbara and Diana if you do this for us!"

Sunglasses immediatly walked back into the room. "That's what I was waiting for you to say."

He grabbed the hat and started too put it on. Both Nousou and The Agent did nothing to stop him.

**17. Bad Time to Question your Gender Preferance.**

Aiko was both relieved and horrified as she watched the mysterious pink haired girl before her completely slaughter the soldiers. Though as the fight continued on, a single resounding thought ran through the young blond haired girls mind.

_'Is it a bad thing to admit that seeing her like this is making me soooo wet right now?'_

**18. Irony.**

Several months after the death of Nyu, dressed only in rags, and looking like he hadn't bathed or shaved in weeks, Kouta stood at the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea. He sniffled a few times before collapsing to his knees and weeping. Tears streamed down the side of his face as he looked up to the sky.

"WHY NYU? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?" Kouta screamed to the heavens at the top of his lungs.

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and Nyu came fluttering down. Angel wings sprouting from her back, a halo floating above her head, and a pure white robe wrapped around her. She landed in front of an astonished Kouta and gave him a cheerfully innocent smile.

"Oh my dear beloved Kouta," Nyu said sincerely, "... You're the one who killed me, jackass!" She snarled and slapped him before vanishing.

Kouta put his face into his hands and weeped harder.

**19. A Cute Shorty No Longer.**

Director General Chief Kakuzawa was eating breakfast when he noticed something odd.

"Where is my son?" He asked Arakawa.

"Oh, umm, well, he's, aha, in the gym... playing basketball." Arakawa replied, looking like she was awfully nervous about something.

"Basketball," Chief Kakuzawa scoffed, "How in the hell is that little boy playing basketball anyway?"

"Well..." Arakawa began.

Right before a GIANT figure suddenly stepped into the room. He was HUGE, about 7 feet tall or higher, with well built muscles, massive pecs and amazing six-pack abs. The most shocking thing about this guy was because... it was actually just Chief Kakuzawa's bastard diclonius son.

"Good morning, Oto-San!" He exclaimed happily, giving a lazy wave.

In response, Chief Kakuzawa immediately had a heart attack.

**20. Resisting Only Makes Her Try Harder.**

"Nyuuuu... please... Nyuuuu..."

"No... Noooo... ahhh..."

"Will you two stop whining and take it like the women you are!"

"Nyu! Oh... I beg of you... p-p-please st-stop..."

"Yes! Please Stop!"

"Shut up! Both of you are my bitches now!"

"NYU! Ohhhhhh..."

"Ahhhhhh..."

"THAT'S RIGHT! FEEL IT! FEEL IT! BWAHAHAHA!"

Kouta slid open the door and saw Yuka and Nyu on the floor, quite naked, with their limbs spread wide and restrained by thick ropes. Nozomi wore a strap-on and was thrusting vigoriously into Yuka, her left hand was fondling the blonde girls breasts, while her right one was shoving a dildo up Nyu's vagina. All the while, Nozomi continued laughing evily at the two older girls displeasure.

"YES! YES! I MUST PREPARE YOU BOTH WELL IF WERE GOING TO BE KOUTA'S FUTURE HAREM!"

Kouta quietly slid the door shut and left.

Later that day, both Mayu and Nana questioned as to why Kouta was beaming with an invectious good mood.

"Earlier this morning," Kouta began, "I saw the one thing that shows the rest of my life is going to be perfect."

* * *

I was actually questioning my sanity as I wrote this chapter. For those of you who think this is bad, you should of read the first rough draft I had of these jokes.

I already said it in this chapter, I'm not going to repeat it.


	5. Chapter 5

**LSSJ2 Gohan**: I'm glad you're enjoying the story like everyone else so far. And as for the joke number twenty, it was originally going to be Kaede/Lucy doing it, and it was actually going to show how Lucy would act if she came out when Nyu was in control. Basically a perverted dominatrix Lucy/Nyu persona if you will. The reason I finally decided it was going to be Nozomi was simply because I had yet to give her any screen time in the story.

**lovehatewhateverxx and are Anonymous Viewer**: Thank you for bloating my ego. I'm glad you both enjoyed it as well. As for the Randall Flagg joke, I explained it at the bottom notes of the first chapter. Please look it over. And yes, I agree, Elfen Lied does need to become available in America right now!

**ONE FINAL NOTE OF IMPORTANCE**: Go to www(dot)citymanga(dot)com, with the exception of the special chapters, this website contains all 107 chapters of Elfen Lied. Trust me it'll be soooo worth it!

Warning: Strange humor ahead, some of them will be worse than others. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**21. Never Ignore the Scientists Warning.**

"Is the selection process over?"

"Yes."

"This one?" Sunglasses asked, his face an emotionless mask.

"I think Number Twenty-Eight is competent enough. She has an obediant personality, and her vectors are undeveloped." The scientist replied.

"... ... I see. You fit my liking."

The scientist gave him a confused look. "Huh?"

"Well... before the operation is done anyway... shall we play a little?" Sunglasses grinned sadistically.

He left the observatory and went down to the main holding area. Number Twenty-Eight gave Sunglasses a look of fear when he entered the room. His grin widened as he got closer.

"Umm... Kakuzawa-Sama... you might want to leave the area immediately, we just got an important message from the staff concerning subject Number Twenty-Eight." The scientists voice said over the intercom.

Sunglasses sent a fierce glare up at the observatories window.

"Listen here, jackass, whatever it is, surely it can w-ACK!" Sunglasses gagged as he suddenly found something gripping his throat.

His eyes went wide with terror as Number Twenty-Eight's shackles clicked before falling off. She gave Sunglasses an insane grin that promised nothing but endless pain and suffering.

"About that sir, it appears that Number Twenty-Eight's vectors fully developed themselves earlier this morning."

_**'NOW HE TELLS ME!'**_

"Well... shall we play a little?" She said mockingly.

And so, with the use of her new vectors, Number Twenty-Eight proceeded to beat the shit out of Sunglasses.

**22. HE LIVES!**

Nousou couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so much fear. He had expected this outcome, but it still didn't make the situation any less scary.

"How dare you put us through all this misery until now. How many of my kind have you killed? How many horrible experiments have you performed?"

It was short, simple, and to the point. Nousou considered that this was the way it had to be. Besides, judging from the fact that she was crying uncontrollably, he could assume Barbara knew she wouldn't be able to do this if she continued too delay herself.

"YOU CANNOT EVER BE FORGIVEN!"

Nousou's look of fear disappeared from his face, instead being replaced by sad acceptance. Tears were already forming at the edge of his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

He felt the vector already starting to brush up against his neck... when Barbara's forehead exploded outward in a shower of blood and gore. Not a second later a loud BANG sound was echoing in his ear.

The Agent stood in the doorway with a smoking desert eagle pistol in her hand.

Nousou was speechless. _'HOLY CRAP! ...I DIDN'T DIE?__'_

**23. Wanta's a Bad Dog!**

Mayu was reading a book when Nana came running into the room. The dress she wore was little more than torn shreds, her bra was missing, and she was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Mayu... your dog... he... he... Wanta just RAPED me!" Nana cried.

Mayu slammed her book shut and sent Nana a fierce glare.

"Nana-San... you got raped once by dog who's about as equipped as a Ken Barbie doll. I took it up the ass for more than a year from a middle-aged pedophile before I ran away. SO YOU'LL GET NO SYMPATHY FROM ME YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH!" Mayu snarled before going back to reading her book.

Nana just cried harder.

**24. Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned**.

"Here darling, I made you your favorite drink." The husband said, holding out said drink to his wife.

The wife glared at him. "...Why are you offering me this?"

The husband shrugged. "Why not? A husband can't make his wife her favorite drink just for the hell of it?"

The wife continued glaring at her husband. "With you, I'm never sure."

"Well why is that?"

"Because you completely ignored me for more than a year just to give my daughter the attention I wanted, and only started giving it to me AFTER she ran away. Even now, you'd rather waste half a day looking for little girls to "play" with instead of spending it with little old me."

The husband flinched and sighed. "Look honey, I know I'm not the best husband in the world. But can't we just enjoy each others company for one evening without bickering with one another?"

"Well... I suppose I can forgive and let live for one evening... hand me that drink."

The husband gave his wife the drink and she started gulping it down. The husband started laughing his ass off.

"I PUT STEROIDS IN YOUR DRINK! HAHAHA!"

The wife did a spit-take and looked down... only to realise her breasts had shrunk and that she suddenly had six-pack abs.

While her husband continued to laugh, she felt an all consuming rage build up inside her. The wife grabbed her husband by the throat and lifted him into the air. It was only then and there that he remembered the most important rule about spiking drinks.

NEVER, and I mean NEVER, put strength inducing stimulants in said drinks.

"First you ignore me for my daughter, then you deceive me into believing that you wanted my attention, and NOW you decide the only thing I'm good for is too PLAY CHILDISH PRANKS ON! YOU'RE SO F***ING DEAD MR!"

The husbands eyes widened in horror. _'OH SHI-'_

* * *

The next day, Mayu found the dead body of her former step-father, looking like he'd been beaten to death by a women with minus four physical strength on steroids, in a potato sack tied to an overhanging branch on a sakura tree out in the Kaede Inn's front yard with a note attached to it.

Mayu tore off the note and read it over.

_My dear daughter Mayu._

_I know I've been a horrible mother to you the past year and a half now._

_I also know that you can't forgive me for abandoning you in your time of need._

_But I ask you to please accept this assholes body as an offering for peace between us._

_I truly hope that we can one day repair our relationship with one another._

_Love from your Oka-San, Hitomi._

Mayu smiled warmly at the letter.

Perhaps she would cancel her plans to sexually humiliate and dominate her mother after all.

**25. That's Your Real Name. Seriously?**

Sunglasses would admit that the after life wasn't so bad.

Everyone he knew in life was there with him. After they did their time in the afterlife, they were reincarnated into a new body. And best of all, that Nyu girl was allowing him to beat up Lucy for killing him at such a low cost.

Ah yes, the afterlife would've been perfect if not for the fact that everyone now knew his full name.

"So that's your full name?" Number Twenty-Eight snickered.

He glared at the silpelit. "Yes, that is my full name."

"So your full name really is-"

"YES, NUMBER TWENTY-EIGHT! A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, YES! MY FULL NAME REALLY IS RANDALL FLAGG KAKUZAWA!"

The diclonius snickered again. "I'm sorry. But I just kind of find it ironic that-

"That what," He snapped, "That my name is probably a parody of one of Stephen King's characters, that I worked for a psychologically insane dumbass, that I was killed by the power I sought to control in a heartbeat, that I wear similar clothes, or maybe that my main enemy was a badass gun slinger who kept losing limbs!"

"Actually, I thought it was kind of ironic that you were completely clueless about who Randall Flagg was until after you got killed."

Sunglasses found himself wishing for the eleventh time that day that he could still kill Number Twenty-Eight.

* * *

I have an important message you guys. I'm temporarily ceasing my writing on this fic. Two reasons. First, I'm running low on idea's and need to recharge the humor bar back up, secondly, I'm FINALLY going to finish the Elfen Lied fanfic that I had originally intended to be my first story. It's going to be more serious than humorous, so keep an eye out for it if your into that kind of story.

Love it, hate it, just plain don't get it. Please review and tell me what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

Warning: Strange humor ahead, some of them will be worse than others. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**26. Mayu's Secret.**

Kouta stared in shock at what stood before him. He just couldn't believe it. Mayu stood in front of him, a look of horror on her face, and nude as the day she was born. However, that wasn't what had gotten Kouta's attention.

What HAD gotten it was what was most certainly NOT a vagina between Mayu's legs.

"Um, Mayu, i-is th-that... am I-I-I looking at wh-what I... I mean i-is it-oh wow, just... wow." Kouta stuttered incohertly.

Mayu sighed in frustration. "Yes Kouta, I have a penis. I'm a boy secretly posing as a girl."

Kouta looked helplessly at Mayu. "I-I have to tell the girls about this-"

"HELL NO," Mayu cried, the look of horror on his face again, "you CANNOT tell them about this! Especially Nana!"

"Look Mayu, I-I know it's scary, but-WAIT A MINUTE! Why can't I tell Nana specifically?" Kouta questioned, looking absolutely dumbfounded.

"BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S NOT A STRAP-ON I SCREW HER WITH!"

Kouta could only gape in shock.

**27. Their Biggest Fear.**

The scientists and doctors exchanged worried looks. A moment ago, Nousou had, obviously upset and filled with displeasure borderlining on panic, called them all together.

Now, what one must understand was that there were universal laws, that will always be true unless all was going to hell. One of those rules was Nousou is always calm and relaxed. There had been only one instance where Nousou had lost his cool.

At that time he had visited the second facility to check the on the progress of the anti-diclonous weapons. In this instance, the vector attack vehicle. Nousou had smiled, read through the data of the vector attack vehicles activities he had been given, and paled. His smile had vanished faster than a request for equality with Chief Kakuzawa himself.

He had shouted. "EVERYBODY OUT! NOW!" Before running away as fast as he could. Twenty seconds later, the machines exploded, killing anybody who had been dumb enough to ignore his warning.

Therefore, it was a universal law. Nousou is relaxed. If he isn't, run for your life. So now the question burning on everyones lips was what was wrong? Had somebody eaten his chocolate? Were there any problems with the government? What could be so bad? Did something happen to their sponsor, Cheif Kakuzawa? Was their funding cut? Did Godzilla rise out of the sea to attack Tokyo? Was the apocalypse coming?

Nousou glared at his workers. "Who let Kisaragi into the kitchen?"

And as a familiar voice said cheerfully. "Come here boys, I have something for you to try." Followed by what smelt like burnt rubber, they all realised that it was much, MUCH worse.

_'All I want too know... is why god... why did she have too use my chocolate covered pocki sticks?'_ Nousou thought to himself as tears streamed down his face.

**28. Revenge for the 'Twins.'**

_'No good,' _Kouta thought frantically, _'If she catches up now, Nyu and Nana will...'_

As if fate was against them, at that moment, Nyu tripped, one of her shoes flying off in the process.

"NYU!" Kouta cried out.

Arakawa caught up to Nyu... only to run past the horned girl and punch Kouta in the face.

"This is for making fun of my tits you bastard!" She screamed.

_'He sooo deserved that.' _Yuka and Nyu thought in union.

**29. Extreme Masochism. Subject One: Yuka**

"Damnit Kouta-Kun! Why won't you just go out with me already!" Yuka cried hysterically.

Kouta glared at Yuka. "Because Yuka, this may be Japan, but were still cousins. In fact, truth be told, I find you creepy beyond all reason. I mean, what the hell women! It's been almost eight f***ing years since we last saw each other. Do you honestly mean to tell me that you've been waiting for me all this time because of a childish crush you had on me when you were ten years old!"

Yuka dropped to her knees, twitching and shaking violently.

"THE PAIN OF REJECTION," Yuka cired, "IT... IT... FEELS SOOO GOOOOOD!" She moaned out load, with a look of complete bliss on her face.

Kouta stared in absolute terror as he began to slowly and quietly back out of the room.

**30. Picnic Day Flashback.**

It was a peaceful day. The birds were chirping, butterflies were fluttering about, and even a slight summer breeze was in the air.

Ah yes, the day was perfect.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

... Okaaaaaay... maybe it was worse than we thought.

At the moment, Nana walked into the kitchen. What she saw greatly surprised her. There was food everywhere. On the floor, spread over the counter, stuck to the ceiling. The only living person in the room was Mayu. Happily humming to herself while cooking.

"Uh Mayu, what exactly happened?" Nana asked.

Mayu smiled warmly. "Oh don't worry Nana, this is just are picnic fixings."

"PICNIC," Nana exclaimed, looking quite horrified, "Oh no no no no no no no, no... no. You remember what happened last time don't you?"

Flashback

Mayu, Nana and Nozomi were at the local park enjoying a picnic on a nice summer day.

"Please pass the potato salad Nana-San." Mayu said.

Right before a yeti landed behind her. "LOLI!" He cried and slung Mayu over his shoulder.

"AAAAAHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She screamed as the perverted yeti ran off with the terrified girl.

Both Nana and Nozomi looked at the odd spectacle for second before casually going back to eating their lunch.

End Flashback

"Oh trust me Nana. That's nothing compared to what my former stepfather use to do to me."

Nana looked curious. "What exactly could he have done to-"

"WOAH! What happened in here? Did the refrigerator blow up?" Nozomi more exclaimed than asked as she entered the kitchen.

"MAYU wants us to go on a PICNIC!" Nana said loudly.

Nozomi looked surprised. "No way, you can't be serious. Not after what happened last time."

Flashback

Mayu, Nana and Nozomi were at the local park enjoying a picnic on a nice summer day.

"Please pass the potato salad Nana-San." Mayu said.

Right before a yeti landed behind her. "LOLI!" He cried and slung Mayu over his shoulder.

"AAAAAHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She screamed as the perverted yeti ran off with the terrified girl.

Both Nana and Nozomi looked at the odd spectacle for second before casually going back to eating their lunch.

End Flashback

"What's going on? Are you crazy kids flashing back in here?" Yuka asked as she walked into the kitchen.

Nana answered. "We've been trying to talk Mayu out of going on a picnic."

"A PICNIC," Yuka gasped, "Mayu... no, you remember what happened last time?"

Flashback

Mayu, Nana and Nozomi were at the local park enjoying a picnic on a nice summer day.

"Please pass the potato salad Nana-San." Mayu said.

Right before a yeti landed behind her. "LOLI!" He cried and slung Mayu over his shoulder.

"AAAAAHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She screamed as the perverted yeti ran off with the terrified girl.

Both Nana and Nozomi looked at the odd spectacle for second before casually going back to eating their lunch.

End Flashback

"Oooohh! Are you all flashing back in here? Can I join?" Nyu asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"Nyu! Mayu wants to go on a picnic!" Nozomi cried.

"After what happened last time?"

Flashback

Mayu, Nana and Nozomi were at the local park enjoying a picnic on a nice summer day.

"Please pass the potato salad Nana-San." Mayu said.

Right before a yeti landed behind her. "LOLI!" He cried and slung Mayu over his shoulder.

"AAAAAHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She screamed as the perverted yeti ran off with the terrified girl.

Both Nana and Nozomi looked at the odd spectacle for second before casually going back to eating their lunch.

End Flashback

"Hey, what is this, a party?" Kouta asked as he came in as well.

"Kouta-Kun, please talk some sense into Mayu! She wants to go on a picnic!" Yuka cried, looking like she was about ready too faint from worry.

"A PICNIC," Kouta exclaimed in surprise, "after what happened last time? You all remember that, right?"

Flashback

However, instead of seeing are trio. We see Kouta standing in the bushes behind them... wearing a yeti costume. He was just finishing putting on the mask.

"Please pass the potato salad Nana-San." Mayu said.

Right before Kouta in the yeti costume landed behind her. "LOLI!" He cried and slung Mayu over his shoulder.

"AAAAAHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She screamed as Kouta ran off with the terrified girl.

Both Nana and Nozomi looked at the odd spectacle for second before casually going back to eating their lunch.

End Flashback

"Heh, heh, heh. Yep, good times, good times." Kouta chuckled.

Everyone else just stared at him.

* * *

I'm running low on idea's. Suggestions anyone? Anyone at all... (Crickets Chirping)

Love it, hate it, just plain don't get it. Please review and tell me what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

**BigHair**: Glad you enjoyed it. Though I'm surprised that you actually noticed the Billy and Mandy referance.

Warning: Strange humor ahead, some of them will be worse than others. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**31. Nana's First Time.**

Nana sat up in her cot and lit herself a cigarette. "So... that was sex."

Kouta nodded, smiling from ear to ear. "Yup! That was sex!"

Nana took a long drag from her cigarette as she stared off into the darkness in front of her. She seemed to be deep in thought.

"Nana, are you okay?" Kouta asked.

"I have to say," Nana finally spoke up after several minutes of complete silence, "I'm... I'm DEEPLY disappointed."

All of the color drained from Kouta's face... he certainly hadn't expected to hear this.

"I mean, that's it? That's all their really is to it? There isn't anything else? This is what I've been waiting my entire life for? This is what we have to do to help populate the Earth? ARE YOU F***ING SERIOUS? All the trouble I've gone through to get to this point... and that's ALL?"

"You're such a bitch sometimes, Nana." Kouta stated as bluntly as possible.

**32. When Words Are Useless.**

Yuka walked into the room and saw Kouta sitting on the floor, with a cup sake in his hand and a downcast look on his face.

"Wow Kouta, you look terrible. Did something happen?" Yuka asked.

Kouta turned to his cousin.

"Well Yuka... there are times when words are useless. This morning I went to my part time job to milk cows, but one of them kept kicking and toppling the bucket over. So I got some rope and strapped her legs to the poles, but then she swung her tail and toppled the bucket again, and I was out of rope, so I pulled the belt out of my pants and strapped her tail up. My pants fell down, and of course it was laundry day so I'm not wearing any underwear, and right then, Mayu, Nana, Nozomi and Nyu, who were on a tour came into the barn... there are times when words are useless Yuka."

Kouta went back to solemly drinking his sake.

**33. Bath House Horror.**

Kouta had only meant to sneak into the shower while Yuka was taking a bath so he could take snapshots of her in all her naked glory. However, what he'd found both horrified and disturbed him. The young man had run away as fast as his legs could carry him.

It was only after Kouta had stopped that he'd actually recalled what he saw.

_'Oh god... she was shaving her armpits... their was so much... so much... hair...'_

Kouta gagged.

**34. Christmas Presents.**

"MERRY CHRISMAS, MAYU!" Kouta exclaimed happily.

The brown haired girl blushed as she took her gift. "B-but Kouta-San, it's still christmas eve, we really shouldn't-

"Nonsense, this is an early gift especially made for you!"

"Ahh, t-thank you, Kouta-San..."

"OPEN IT, OPEN IT!"

Mayu quickly opened it and... couldn't help but blush harder as she pulled out a strap-on. She stared at it for a moment, then glanced up at Kouta, who winked and gave her a thumbs-up.

"Have fun with that. Nana's waiting for you in your room, just so ya know."

Mayu promptly fainted.

**35. Beware the Quiet Ones.**

"Mommy! I can't stand it anymore... that man... it's enough..."

Mayu was cut off by a fierce slap.

"You're the one I don't want! You think I'm going to pity you if you cry? I don't care if you disappeared off the face of the earth!" Her mother cried.

Mayu's eyes narrowed.

Several Minutes Later...

(SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP)

"WHO'S SLAPPING WHO NOW BITCH! WHO'S SLAPPING WHO NOW!" Mayu screamed while laying a world of hurt on her mother.

(SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP)

* * *

Love it, hate it, just plain don't get it. Please review and tell me what you think!


	8. Chapter 8

Warning: You already know what it says.

Disclaimer: Screw it, I've written this enough times already.

* * *

**36. Yuka, I Am Your...**

"Yuka..."

"Yes Oka-San." Yuka replied, looking up from her book.

"Please don't call me Oka-San anymore Yuka."

Yuka gave her mother a confused look. "Why not?"

The older women took a deep breath and gave her daughter a sad look. "Because I'm actually you're father."

Several minutes later, Yuka was being rushed to the hospital due to entering cardiac arrest.

**37. Cat Fight!**

"You know what Yuka-San, I think the stupidest thing that I've ever done is when I cut my hair to look like Kanae. JUST because I thought Kouta was a gloomy siscon." Nyu stated bluntly.

"Even stupider than the time you got into a turf war with that cat?" Yuka questioned.

Flashback

Nyu was in a back allyway, down on all fours, circling a cat.

"NYUUUUU!"

The cats hackles rised.

"MEROWWRRRR!"

Nyu's back rose in response.

"NYUUUUU!"

"MEROWWRRRR!"

The two continued to circle around each other.

"NYUUUUUUUUUU!"

"MEROWWWWRRRRRR!"

"HEY! SHUT UP YOU MANGY CATS!" Some random drunk guy shouted before tossing a beer bottle at them.

"NYU!"

"MEROW!"

The two screamed before running out of the allyway. Nyu ended up knocking over a trash can as she ran off.

End Flashback

"Okay, SECOND, stupidest thing that I've ever done."

**38. Action Loli Girl.**

Bondo was about to leave when he finally felt the need to ask the question.

"You know Mayu, I was just wondering, what exactly happened to this f***ing pedo. I mean, when you called, you sounded like you were in trouble. But now it seems like this guy was the one who needed backup."

Of course, Bondo was reffering to Sunglasses. His body slung over the former SAT troopers shoulder, obviously quite dead. The only strange part being that he looked like he had been mauled by a four-hundred pound gorilla.

Mayu looked at the corpse for a second before shrugging. "He attempted to rape me, so I kicked his ass."

"Wait a second, you mean to tell me you beat him in a fist fight." Bondo said, not buying it for second.

"Well, he tried fight back... but apparently he was too slow and weak to actually prove much of a threat."

"Okay, so let me get this straight. You, a frail little girl, without any hand to hand combat experience what so ever, managed to attack and kill a full grown male. And just to make the whole situation all the more embarrassing, your like, what? Fourteen?"

"Only in the anime Bondo-San."

"Excuse me?"

"Weren't you listening, I said I'm thirteen." Mayu said, looking somewhat insulted.

"But didn't you just say... you know what, never mind. It's probably better if I don't ask to many questions. Alright, I'll just... go get rid of the bodies."

"I'll come see you again soon Bondo-San."

Bondo ran away fast.

**39. Beware the Nice Ones.**

"EEEP," Mayu screamed as Nyu gropped one of her small, underdeveloped breasts, "Listen you... stop it now!"

Mayu huffed in deep breaths. Oh god, it was happening all over again.

"Nyu?" Nyu muttered, greatly confused and more than a little upset at how small Mayu's breasts were.

The horned girl unleashed a disappointed sigh before releasing Mayu and walking away.

_'... What was that,'_ Mayu thought,_ 'She stopped at once, but... she got so unhappy for some reason.'_

Another thought rang through the young girl's head.

_'She touched you and walked off like nothing happened.'_

Mayu's eyes narrowed.

(Scene Change)

Kouta could only gape.

"But Mayu-San, did you really have to** KILL** Nyu!"

Mayu looked at Kouta with complete seriousness. "Yes Kouta, I really did."

Off to the side, Yuka just whimpered pathically, wondering if she was next.

**40. Chasing Pussy.**

Kouta was on his way back home when he ran into Yuka's mother.

"Kouta-Kun, look what I found," She greeted him. In her hand she held a tiny kitten, "I think she must have gotten separated from her mother."

"She's adorable." Kouta said and gently scratched the tiny kitten's chin. She purred appreciatively.

"Since she's lost I'm going to take her home with me and take care of her."

Without any warning, the little kitten suddenly leapt from her hand and dashed down the road past a number of surprised people.

"Oh no! Wait, come back!" The older woman wailed.

"I'll get her!" Kouta shouted and dashed after the small cat.

However, despite his best efforts, Kouta quickly lost track of it. Knowing how dangerous it was for a kitten to be all on her own, the young man searched desperately but couldn't spot her. As he was looking, a group of about five or six girls were walking his way.

"Excuse me!" Kouta called out, getting the girls attention.

"Yes?" One of them asked.

"I am desperately trying to find a little pussy," Kouta said with a completely serious face, "Could one or all of you please help me?"

(Scene Change)

Kouta later, heavily bruised and battered, woke up in the hospital surrounded by Mayu, Nyu, Yuka, Nana and Nozomi. As soon as he opened his eyes, Mayu spoke.

"Kouta-Teme! We all heard what you said to those girls and we are all very disappointed in you!"

"That's right!" Nyu cried, looking like she was on the verge of tears. "If you wanted some pussy, all you had to do was ask! I would've given it to you until you begged me to stop!"

"I would have been happy to do many, MANY things with you." Yuka said while blushing.

"You can make babies with Nana-Chan any day Kouta-Kun!"

"You know Kouta-Kun," Nozomi said, "I can use my throat to please more than just your ears."

Mayu looked at the girls in disbelief as a heavy blush adorned her cheeks.

"Hey Kouta-Kun, I found the cat!" Yuka's mother came rushing into the room, holding up said kitten.

She mewed cutely, earning a sqeal from the assembled girls. That was before they came to a sudden realization.

"Wait a sceond," Mayu began, "then that means the whole time you were just-"

"Looking for a cat," Kouta interupted, "Yep. Although, if you want too, I'll still take you girls up on your offer."

Yes, Mayu did punch him... HARD.

* * *

Thanks for reading, you people know the drill. That little blue button is temtping you.


	9. Chapter 9

Special Notes: WOW! FOUR REVIEWS! Thank you all so very much. It really means a lot to me to know you all like it.

On the side note, Jokes number 42 and 45 were written at the request of Emz and LSSJ2 Gohan.

Warnings: Strange humor ahead. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied, Lynn Okamato does.

* * *

**41. The Dangers of Telepathy.**

Ginei Kakuzawa, the only male diclonii at the facility, walked out into the hallway, falling in line beside their facilities newly recruited women.

"So your Arakawa-San, the new recruit, correct?" Ginei asked.

"Yes, that's me." Arakawa replied.

"I heard a lot about you from Yu Onii-Sama. I see he didn't lie. Your smart, you have big boobs and smell from not taking a shower in days."

Arakawa's eyebrow twitched at the reminder of her hygene, blushed at the comment about her breasts and smirked from compliment to her intellegence.

"So you came by just to say hello to me?"

"Mostly. You do know a scientist by the name of Nousou-Kun, right?

"Yeah, what about him?"

"What's your opinion about Nousou-Kun?"

"Personally, I think that chocolate eating lolicon is a no good trouble maker who needs to learn some discipline." Arakawa stated haughtily.

Ginei smirked, extending his vectors into her head and using the new trick he learned.

_'He is so bishōnen and sexy. I can't wait to lock him into my room, grab my horsewhip and smack that tight-'_

"Okayyyyyy. I think I'm going to distance myself from you now."

Ginei quickly ran off.

(Scene Change)

"I hate my telepathy." Ginei said.

"What was that, Ginei-Sama?" Nousou asked.

"It's nothing, Nousou-Kun."

Silence rained between them for several seconds.

"So Nousou-Kun, I hear Arakawa-San is going to be working with us from now on. You know her, right?"

"Oh I sure do." Nousou replied, suddenly looking VERY nervous as he placed a chocolate covered pocki stick in his mouth.

Curious, Ginei extended a vector into Nousou's head. What he found was a scene from a nightmare.

_"Enjoying your stay Nousou-Kun?"_

_"Wh-what are you doing Arakawa-San? Get me outta here!"_

_"Nonsense, were just getting started. Now bend over."_

_"Wait, no! Don't do this! Aaaaah! No! Whyyyyyyyy! All I wanted was a cup of coffeeeeeeeee!"_

Ginei quickly pulled out his vector and shivered. He REALLY needed to learn to stop reading peoples minds.

**42. Why Hindsight Sucks.**

"Mariko, I just want you to know, your mother loved you... she loved you until the last breath she took." Kurama said.

"Daddy... I just have one question." Mariko said.

"Yes, Mariko?"

"Why didn't you just threaten Isobe into giving you the remote and the deactivation code for the bombs?"

"Wait...WHAT!"

Nana, Isobe and Kaede all had similar thoughts right as the bridge was engulfed in a sea of fire.

**43. An Unlikely Encounter.**

A man was just walking out of a studio right as a black haired women approched him.

"Excuse me, kind sir, but may I ask for your assistance?" She asked.

"Of course, what is it you need help with miss." He replied.

"I'm looking for a director by the name of Mamoru Kanbe. I heard he works around here."

"I'm Mamoru Kanbe miss."

"Oh," The women suddenly gained a creepy smile, "Well that makes things a whole lot easier for me."

"What are you-" Mamoru started to say before he was slapped across the face, punched three times in the gut and then kicked in the testicles.

"THAT'S FOR TAKING ME OUT OF THE ANIME ADAPTATION YOU SON OF A BITCH!" The black haired woman screamed.

As she was walking off, Mamoru noted the woman was wearing a diaper under her skirt. He layed on the ground for several long moments before taking out his cellphone and dialing a number. A few seconds later, someone picked up on the other line.

"Lynn, I've changed my mind, we should put Nozomi in the anime."

**44. A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words.**

The Agent stood in the bath house doorway, looking quite sheepish.

Nousou glared back, obviously not pleased at having his bath interrupted.

"Pray tell, why did you not knock when coming in here Kagome-San?" He asked.

"Well, I didn't think anyone was in here," Kagome said, "I'll just be going." She quickly fled the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

Nousou stared at the door a few seconds longer before smiling.

"Okay, it's safe to come up now girls."

Cynthia, Alicia, Barbara and Diana popped their heads above the water gasping and coughing for air.

"I'm sorry for making you girls wait under there for so long," Nousou smiled wickedly, "Why don't you girls come over here so I can make it up to you."

"Myu! Myu! Myu!" The four girls screamed excitedly as they cuddled up next to Nousou.

The door suddenly slid open.

"Hey Nousou-San, I forgot, the chief needs you to sign some pap-" Kagome dropped the pen and clipboard she was holding.

Her mouth fell open, gaping like a fish. Nousou had a similar reaction. Silence fell over the room for the longest time. Finally, Kagome pulled out a camera and snapped a picture before running off.

Nousou only had one thought in his head.

_'Arakawa is going to murder my ass when she sees that picture.'_

**45. Revenge is Sweet.**

"Ahhhhh... noooo..."

"Will you shut your trap already!"

"Yes, just give in and enjoy it."

"Cease your ministrations... I beg of you."

"Shut it, bitch!"

"Please stop resisting."

"NO! I won't st-MMPH!"

"Oooooo, that's right girl, lick it and lick it gooooood."

Kouta felt a sense of deja vu as he slid open the door. He found Nozomi on the floor, legs restrained by thick ropes and arms handcuffed behind her back. Yuka wore a strap-on and was thrusting vigorously into Nozomi while her left hand was grobing one of the black haired girls breasts. Lucy was groping her other breast while her left hand was pushing Nozomi's face into her crotch.

"Oh yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh! That girl really knows what she's doing!" Lucy groaned.

"Tehehe," Yuka giggled, "It's only natural that Nozomi-Chan's oral muscles would be so strong, she practices singing all day."

"Good thing too, because if she wants us to be Kouta's future harem, then she's going to have to pull her weight like the rest of us."

Nozomi whimpered.

Kouta quietly slid the door shut and left. He went to the dining room and plopped down next to the table. Mayu looked up from the book she was reading, noting Kouta was blushing furiously and smiling dreamily.

"So, you caught Nozomi training Yuka and Nyu again."

Kouta shook his head, "No, I caught Yuka and Nyu getting back at her."

"I was right, all adults are dirty."

Kouta just continued too smile.

* * *

Once again, thank you all for the reviews. I broke the record last chapter because of it.


	10. Chapter 10

Warning: This chapter will involve brother-sister incest (sort of.) and Masochism. You don't like, then please leave. You probably won't get some of these if you haven't read the manga.

Disclaimer: The following story is a fan made parody. Elfen Lied belongs to manga writer Lynn Okamoto and anime director Mamoru Kanbe. Please support the official release.

* * *

**46. Gloomy Siscon.**

"You know what Yuka-San; I'm beginning to think that Kouta is gay."

Yuka stared bug eyed at Mayu.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where the hell did this come from?" The older girl asked, completely dumbfounded.

Mayu hesitated, suddenly remembering that having this conversation with Yuka of all people maybe wasn't the best idea.

"Uh... well... Okay, here's the deal Yuka. I've been trying to seduce Kouta all week, but I haven't been successful at all. I played him romantic music, I tell my doctor all about my Kouta dreams when I know he's listening on the other side of the mirror, I even put on the shortest mini-skirt I could find and bent over to let him see my panties."

Yuka smiled. "Don't worry Mayu, your just using the wrong methods. I'll help you get Kout-Kun."

"Wait, you're not mad at me?" Mayu asked, greatly confused.

"Look Mayu, I learned a long time ago that every women within a five-hundred yard radius of Kouta-Kun wants to bang him. Why? Because he's the only guy that's actually nice in this series."

"Okay, good enough explanation for me. So what's the plan?"

Yuka gave a coy smirk. "You just leave it all to me."

(Scene Change)

"I don't know Yuka, this outfit seems awfully small. I mean, are you sure this even going to work?"

"Trust me Mayu, do exactly as I told you and you'll do just fine."

"Alright, here I go." Mayu sucked in a deep breath and walked into Kouta's room.

Kouta looked up from his word search and gasped in shock. It couldn't be. That black skirt, that white shirt, that pink bow in her hair. Kouta rubbed his eyes and still he saw Kanae, now the full epitome of a grown woman standing in front of him.

"Kouta Ni-Sama! Kanae forgives you Onii-Sama! I forgive you!" The disguised Mayu said, grasping her hands in front of her and shedding fake tears.

"KANAE!" Kouta shouted, pulling Mayu into a strong hug.

"Onii-Sama, your pencil is pushing up against my thigh." Mayu said.

"Um, Kanae... that's not a pencil your feeling."

Mayu blushed._ 'Yuka was right, it works.'_

Needless to say, Mayu would be thanking Yuka for long time to come.

**47. Apples.**

The scene that stood before them was horrifying beyond compare. Apples fell down from the sky by the hundreds; smashing into cars, breaking windows and causing panic among the general public as they fled from the hailstorm of red fruits.

Yuka was knocked off her feet, revealing a sexy pair of lacey panties in the process. Kouta was hit in the back by an apple, knocking him head first into Yuka's panties. Needless to say, the god of panties was not happy with what happened next.

Nozomi took an apple to the throat, prematurely ending her singing career. Mayu was almost hit in the crotch by an apple. Old men, meat cleavers and now apples? It seems like everyone wants to penetrate that poor girl.

Nana's prosthetic limbs were taken off once more by the well aimed projectiles. Even Lucy was having trouble dealing with the fruity barrage. The constant hailstorm apples were over whelming. She cut down every single fruit that came at her. But the apples were not like bullets, for each one she cut caused it to turn into applesauce and slide around the vector, slapping her face with wet smacks.

After about the two hundredth apple, Lucy decided to turn tail and run. Isobe stood on a nearby hill, looking horrified at the carnage below and knowing he was partly responsible for the disastrous, but also humorous scene now taking place.

Meanwhile, in a nearby apple field, Mariko was having the time of her life.

**48. Extreme Masochism. Subject Two: Nana**

"NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"

Nana realized her own mistake a second to late as Lucy's vectors ripped off her left leg. The horned girl fell to the ground. Amazingly, Nana did not scream... but moaned loudly.

"Oh my god. That felt soooo gooooood!"

_'What the fuck?'_ Lucy thought.

She, Mayu and even Wanta somehow managed to look FREAKED OUT at the sight of Nana moaning after having her F*CKING LEG RIPPED OFF!

Nana stared lustfully at Lucy. "Could you please do that again?"

Lucy, to dumbfounded by the scene before her, could only comply with the request. She cut off Nana's right hands fingers.

"Oh yes! God yes!" She hissed in pleasure. "Again! AGAIN!"

So this went on for a long time, Lucy tearing flesh and breaking bones. The whole time looking more scared than she ever had been. After a while and a finale tear of flesh, Nana moaned REALLY loudly. A wet appeared on her panties that was definitely not her blood.

Nana stared dreamily at Lucy. "Please come closer Lucy."

She could only nod dumbly, putting her ear to Nana's mouth.

"Thanks for the orgasm, bitch." Nana sneered and ripped off Lucy's head.

The horned girl looked over at Mayu and Wanta, both gaping like fish.

"So do want to stay and meet my papa? He's a very nice person. He taught me everyingthing I know." Nana said cheerfully.

Mayu and Wanta ran away fast.

**49. Easy To Misinterpret**

Mayu was walking through Maple House when she heard strange noises coming from Kouta's room. Curious, she went and pressed her ear to the door.

"I don't know if I want to do this, Kouta-Kun."

"Don't worry Nana-Chan, it's not that bad."

"But it doesn't smell right, and it tastes funny."

"Dammit Nana! Stop being such a whiney bitch and just suck on it already!"

Mayu felt intense rage well up inside her as she heard Nana start to cough and gag violently.

"Oh Kouta-Kun, you perverted son of a bitch!" Mayu screamed, knocking down the door and proceeding to beat the shit out of said male.

(Scene Change)

Yuka rushed into the hospital followed closely by Nozomi and her mother. After some quick questioning, they found Kouta's room. Mayu and Nana were standing just outside the emergency room. The horned girl was REALLY chewing out the brunette, who was bawling like a baby at this point.

It was obvious that Nana had been screaming at Mayu ever since she had called them... more than twenty-five minutes ago.

"Nana! Why the hell are you still yelling at her?"

A furious Nana turned her spiteful gaze on Yuka, who stopped dead in her tracks.

"Because you don't beat the crap of your caretaker just because he was trying teach someone else how to smoke a damn cigarette!"

**50. Maple House Fun**

Yuka called all of the members of Maple House into the living room for an emergency meeting.

"Last night," Yuka started "I found something terrible in one of the empty rooms."

"Oh no!" Nozomi cried.

Kouta and Nyu giggled.

"A condom!" Yuka said accusingly.

"Oh no!" Nana cried.

Kouta and Nyu giggled again.

"And it was used!"

"Oh no!" Mayu cried.

Kouta and Nyu giggled once more.

"And it had a hole in it!"

"Oh no!" Kouta and Nyu cried in union.

Nozomi, Nana and Mayu all giggled while Yuka glared at the two.

* * *

I hoped you all enjoyed reading this. Reviews are not mandatory, however, they are greatly appreciated and it makes me want to update faster.


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